Blessed are the Forgetful ver2
by Anyhoodle
Summary: Tony's trapped in his head while an outside source is wiping out memories of the Avengers, especially Steve. Forcing Tony to sift through his memories and try to protect the ones that matter most. Both good and bad. pre-Stony, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind AUish.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok so in the midst of writing this I pretty much tore it apart and rewrote it and posted it on A03. So here's the FF. net version so enjoy! Posting it here all at once. and there MAY be a follow up so stay tuned.**

**Who's actually doing the memory erasing I really don't know. You can make your own assumptions. I just needed to get this story out of my head before it killed me, long winded but quite proud of it. First Avengers fic Enjoy!**

* * *

_Tony Stark was many things, but nostalgic wasn't one of them._

_He didn't like to keep stuff from the past, it distracted him from the future. Though sentimentality had saved his life on occasion. We'll one time it was Pepper's sentimentality had saved his life._

_And DUMMY and YOU were also a couple exceptions. But other than that he wasn't very sentimental with little trinkets. So finding a box full of things that were obviously important and not knowing why._

_Yes that mainly having to do with having the majority of his memory basically torn apart about a month ago, leaving it burned with holes and a brain like scrambled eggs. And a feeling of being violated in his sleep, like his brain was not only riddled with holes but covered in greasy fingerprints. Tony had mentioned this early on and the crack he'd made about brain bleach set everyone at ease, that he'd be fine._

_For the most part._

_It was still a work in progress. He did still sometimes forget what he was talking about mid sentence, or forgetting why he came into a room multiple times. At least everyone didn't hover around him him if they'd turn their backs for a second he'd be off shoving forks into electrical outlets._

_Please. 'I may have a craptastic memory now but I'm not that far gone.' Tony would think to himself while trying to duck away from his keepers. Pepper and Banner had been pretty good with keeping a distance, but Thor and Barton needed a few lessons on desecration he decided._

_But today, when he was finally alone, Tony decided to go out on the town, and went in search of winter clothes himself. He rarely even went that deep into the closet, Tony didn't even think he'd ever been to the back of it before. He didn't remember his closet being this huge._

_Wading through the rows of suits, jackets and ties towards the far back where JARVIS had stated where his winter clothes were located._

_The first thing he found was the scarf._

_Immediately singling it out among the expensive assortments of leather gloves and cashmere scarves, this particular one had stood out painfully, catching his attention with it's modest wooly appearance. Neatly folded away with the others like it was part of the gang. Endearing in a way._

_Tony rarely wore scarves, and he wasn't really sure he owned any like this. Pepper knitted sometimes, Tony thought to himself but that didn't seem right, faulty memory or no. And this scarf gave him the weirdest feeling, a warm fond sentimental feeling mixed with an eerie unexplained familiarity. Like being slugged in chest with a sledgehammer made of deja vu._

_Tony held it in his hands gently running his fingers over it. It was soft and most likely hand made, soft but looked unused. He gave it a quick sniff and slung it around his shoulders for now, while trying to shrug off the chill. He'd show it to Pepper or Banner later and see what they knew about it._

_Then went on searching deeper into the closet for shoes next, thats when he found the box. A normal looking shoebox hidden far in back with the others, it was a pretty big surprise to find it did not in fact contain shoes. But an assortment of small seemingly useless items. From ticket stubs to a small gift wrapped package wrapped in red shiny paper. Tony shook the box and it rattled some, all the small tag hanging off the side had on it was an "S"._

_Ok sure. It seemed important, like he had to tell someone about something but he couldn't quite remember what._

_Curiosity took over just then thumbing through the box, Tony got the same familiarity with these items as he did with the scarf. These were important, very important since it looked like he'd hidden them away, but why?_

_Tony had singled out the notepad thing next, it was about the size of a small book, with the spiral spine. It had spotty stains and stiff and wavy, seemed to look like water damage. Flipping open to a random page, Tony skimmed over a few sketches, nothing special looking, buildings, trees, a few pairs of disembodies hands doing various things. Some had little notes under it and dates._

_On the first few pages, some of the sketches were smeared, probably having gotten wet. Curiosity pushed him forwards, it wasn't his. Tony didn't keep doodle pads either and these didn't seem to be in his drawing style._

_Some drawings looked angrily scratched out, or erased. Some seemed almost sad. More like a journal. Three pages in Tony stopped, one page in particular catching his attention. It was a picture of one of the recent Stark phones with a couple question marks doodled next to it. Off to the side a small inscription read; "Still cant figure out these new types of telephones, no buttons or a cord. How? Ask Tony later."_

_OK this was defiantly not his. But he was in it. The next page had Clint and Thor on them but it mentioned him too. The words "New home." scribbled in the corner next to a picture of the tower._

_The next page had more of everyone else, Thor's hammer, Barton's quiver, His helmet, Captain America's shield. Next to Thor's hammer was a helmet with long horns and the words "Gods? Don't buy it."_

_An eerie coldness seeped through him as he went on. The further he went into it the more he showed up, pictures of him, with little notes underneath or around them._

_"Big man in a suit."_

_"Looks so much like Howard, weird."_

_"Impossible."_

_"Reckless."_

_Some entries seemed angry, some seemed sad. Each in fragments but he knew they were about him. One big picture of him stood out, Tony was sure it was of him. His hair ruffled face dirty smiling big and almost apologetically. With just his name "Tony" scrawled neatly._

_Flipping through it more quickly now to see if the entry continued, but throughout the entire book, the little bits of torn paper attached to the spine suggested pages had been torn out. Tony set the pad aside onto the bed and let out a long shaky breath, without even realizing that he'd been holding it that long._

_Tony Stark wasn't nostalgic, but he had been nostalgic over someone else's nostalgia. Ugh nostalgiaception._

_What did these things mean? Tony knew. He knew that he knew._

_One word came suddenly to mind, focusing on the familiar thrill this word gave him. Like the beginning lyrics to a song you only could remember the melody to._

_Tony wrung the scarf in his hands while unburying this word. Focusing on it bringing it up from the murky depths of his memory. The scarf felt like an totem. An anchor connected to this word. The more he stared at it the more familiar it felt. Glimpses of sitting on the couch, laughing, happy the smell of leather._

_Colors, blue, red, yellow._

_The word grew bolder. It tore it's way through his clouded scared brain. Sharp and forceful, and slowly coming into focus. At the tip of his he had it._

_It wasn't a word._

_Just a name._

_Steve._

_Relief. Then more confusion._

_Steve?_


	2. Chapter 2

_**"Your artwork is amazing, the inside of your mind must be terrifying"**_

* * *

They're all entering the kitchen and they're angry at him for something. Being the distraction may have gotten him shot down into a wall but it worked didn't it?

Wait a minute. Tony could have sworn they were on a plane to Munich or somewhere. Huh. Must have fallen asleep on the plane or something.

Steve is pressing a cloth to the side of his head, dabbing at a gash above his left eyebrow. "Tough crowd."

"You really shouldn't just go charging into situations like that, Tony."

"I know I know you don't need any 'Liabilities'."

"Hey you used that word this time not me." Steve defended himself with a wry smile, then clapped his hand on Tony's shoulder gently, "But it was a good call, stupid, but effective."

"Oh well, I try." Tony batted his eyes sweetly. "I'll give you all a better show in the future." Taking the towel in his hand and wiping his face down. When he looks back, he's holding a cloth napkin in his hands. Steve's on the opposite side of a table casually looking down at a menu.

He's looking at him while Tony looks around wildly, frantically trying to remember how they'd gotten there.

"You Ok?"

"We were just...the tower?"

"Ok?" He's confused. Tony looked down at his hands then reached up to touch his face, then running his hands through his hair, no cuts or bumps, not even a scratch, could use a haircut though. The napkin was clean and new.

Tony stared down at the napkin instantly for a few seconds and mumbled "That is weird."

"What's weird?"

"I was just. I'm not bleeding am I?" Steve's eyes widen at the random question.

"No why would you be?" He leans forwards scanning Tony over assessing his sanity. "You aren't slipping bourbon into your coffee again are you? You know what we agreed not in public."

"Steve..."

"Didn't Pepper take your flask away? One of them at least."

"Ha." He rubbed his eyes. "No its like, I could have sworn we were in my kitchen, I was bleeding and...Cap?" He looks on chair across from him is empty. "Steve?"

Leaning against the couch everyone was crowded around the TV quiet and mesmerized, well most of them, Bruce was asleep and Natasha always has that look of "unimpressed cat" all the time.

He could had sworn he was holding a drink.

The movie on screen blurred together, no longer relevant. He turned and walked down the hallway, to the elevator. Once the elevator doors opened he wasn't in his lab exactly, oh he was in a lab but not his. "JARVIS?" He called out but no answer.

It was dark and more ominous than his own. To his left he saw someone strapped to a metal bed. With electrodes attached to their head and face. Blurred faceless white coats scurried around him. "The others are hooked up and ready to go, knock him out and start."

They're on the helicarrier the first time all together. None of them can agree on anything. Everyone's talking over each other angry and irritated. Rogers is a self righteous boy scout. Cant even explain Thor. This isn't going to work. They have to deal with Thor's crazy brother, Clint's on the loose but there seems to be a voice talking over all of them. Its not exactly a PA system. But it is overhead. Another voice joins it then another. Gradually muffling out everyone else's squawking.

He wanders down a hallway following the sounds, trying to find its source. Looking to his left there's a large picture window, showing the sea of clouds the airboat is sailing on.

There's a roar, an explosion and the craft shakes hard.

* * *

Back to the tower, Steve's out on the terrace sketching, Tony watching him through the window, drink in hand. From his vantage point he can kind of see what steve is drawing, still mildly confused with the traveling glass of scotch.

Walking out onto the terrace peering over Steve's shoulder, startling him throwing his hands over his work. Steve never lets him look at his sketch book. "C'mon Capsicle what you hiding? I..."

Muffled voices from overhead interrupted him again, like a faulty PA system. Indistinct and garbled.

"JARVIS?"

"Yes sir?"

"You say something?"

"No Sir."

"Cap, did you hear that?" Steve looks up from his sketchpad confused.

"Hear what?"In a blink the drink in Tony's hand is gone. And the sudden dread of something serious going on. "Someone's talking."

"No one's here Tony, just us. And well JARVIS, does he count?" He looks back into the glass door, peers inside and sees that the room is empty.

"Where'd they go?"

"Who?"

"Clint, Banner, Nat they're gone..." Tony can hear the voices again. And a loud crash. "Tell me you can hear that. Steve..." Looking back at the folding chair Steve was sitting in, or was supposed to be sitting in. Which was now empty, sketchpad left behind. "Steve?!"

Tony bent down and took up the doodles of everyone at different perspectives graced the papers surface. Natasha's profile, Clint perched on a rooftop, Bruce looking serious glassed slid to the bridge of his nose. Thor with a big grin on his face. And one unfinished sketch of Tony smiling he seemed to be working on it when Tony interrupted him. Tony stares at them seriously, then starts to notice the drawings beginning to fade. Page after page each page faded to white. What? Throwing the pad down back onto the chair like it was a snake he backed away.

"God." Pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. "What's going on?"

Running back into the penthouse into the elevator down to the lab he decided. "JARVIS!" There was no answer. "JARVIS!" he called again.

Still not in his own lab, he was now back into the lab from before he's closer to the man strapped to the table now but his face is completely erased like the others. Though he has no face he's seemed to be speaking. It was muffled so Tony could only make out a few words at a time.

"We thank, you and your other two friends who have gladly participated in our trial run Mr. Stark." Participate in what? He rubbed his eyes and for a brief second he clearly saw his own face on the half conscious man on the table. "If all goes well you wont remember a thing."

First he'd been watching now he was strapped to the table himself. Struggling fighting it off. "But you have had your share in killing your brain cells so this will be nothing new for you." The other face had said turning away. Was this really happening? Were they really going to erase his memories? For what?!

If it was all true, no way had this been consensual, if Tony wanted to ruin his brain cells he'd pick a bottle of hooch over this brain drain any day.

Over off to the side Natasha's unconscious self dragged over to another table on the other side of the lab, he couldn't see her face but he knew it was her. Steve's shield of red white and blue in his peripherals. He couldn't see where they'd taken him, just where they'd left the shield behind.

Tony locked on the shield to his right, focused on it. While a hand reached out twisted the arc in his chest and pulled hard.

* * *

Back at the tower again, movie night resuming as usual. Uncharacteristically dark. Behind him there was frost on the windows and he could feel the distinct feeling of the heater going. It was winter.

"JARVIS. What day is it?"

"December 15th sir."

"This isn't right."

"Pipe down stark were trying to watch the movie."

"Guys. Somethings going on."

"Just watch the movie." The tops of their heads remained still, shadowed by the dark silhouetted by the light of the screen.

"I'm serious!"

"What's he babbling about?"

"What is your deal? Stark?"

"Guys, I really am serious. Right now I think, I'm strapped to some kind of table and these guys are frying my brain. Wiping my memory out. I don't know why but its fucked."

"No one's erasing anyone Stark, we've been here all day, nothings happened, uneventful, nada." Clint drawls.

"No, I saw them. I think I did. If its real they're doing it now! And not just me!"

They all turned to look at him. Tony shrank back in silent horror. faces blank and smooth. He shut his eyes squeezing them as tight as he could. Willing these faceless beings away.

"Tony you ok?" Steve called out genuinely concerned. When he opens his eyes again, reluctantly, hoping that everyone had their faces back he's staring back at Steve, in his suit shield in hand.

Tony's in the suit suit too, they all are, and walking in a group, heading into the hatch of a plane.

"Wait, where are we going?"

"Munich."

"No we can't..." They disappeared into the hold without listening to a word. "Wait!" Tony ran after them but where he expected to find them getting strapped into their seats he found nothing. The hold was empty, so was the cockpit.

Somethings weird about this one, it feels like a bunch of moments sewn together, because Tony's in a bunch of places all at one. First he's in a lab with Bruce staring intensely at some diagrams. Next he's yanking arrows out of the walls of his living room cursing Clint who's hanging from the ceiling. Thor and Steve are captivated with one of his old laptops, while he tries to teach them about how Youtube works.

"Ugghhh STOP!" He yells and everything around him freezes. Ohh so he is in control. for now at least. But the sudden seize of control made his head hurt.

From his deductions it seemed like, if this whole mind fucking was really happening it seemed like the theme here were memories of just the team. If that were true then maybe he could think of something else.

* * *

Steve's standing at the counter looking down at the coffee machine dubiously. Its precious to say the least. "It's a coffee machine Cap not a scorpion."

Steve's startled looking up then back down at his assailant. "None that I've ever seen before."

"Welcome to the future gramps. Gimmie." He said nudging Steve out of the way with his hip.

"You're so obliging." Tony give a small bow and goes to make the coffee for the both of them. Tony thought to himself why he didn't just ask JARVIS for help? But it was probably because JARVIS still freaked Steve out which was also hilarious to see.

"Um...Tony could you help me with something else? I think clint did something to my phone again?"

Uh oh. Last few times Clint got a hold of Steve's phone he'd changes the wall papers, ring tones, and downloaded angry birds and steve was hilariously twelve kinds of confused. Tony took a sip of his coffee as Steve handed to phone over. "What's the problem this time?"

"It makes a...funny sound when people send messages."

"What kind of sound." Steve cleared his throat and his face went a little pink. Oh this had to be good. "Oh now I have to hear this JARVIS message Steve." Tony waited It was a mistake to have another sip of his coffee though, for when the he heard the text alert Tony nearly choked to death.

Clint had changed everyone's text alerts to the sound a woman moaning. Tony looked back at Steve resting his head on the counter top, hiding his face in the crook of his arm. Oh bless Clint, bless them both. Tony had changed the text alerts back quickly and made the promise they would get Clint back in full.

Tony poured more coffee in both their mugs and leaned against the counter.

"You know what would be great with this? Donuts."

Tony's back in California, sitting in the giant donut just as casually as he would at home. Fury's down on the ground yelling at him to come down. Donut time now, Fury time whenever else he thinks to himself clutching the box closer to himself.

He looks back up and he's sitting at the table across from Fury. Where'd his donuts go?

"Stark are you listening?"

"Yeah whatever, you got it Morpheous."

Natasha is hovering close by arms crossed, she didn't speak and she was already fuzzy around the edges like a camera way out of focus. Tony blinked and looked away, looking at her was making his head hurt. He closed his eyes and leaned back into the booth. Ignoring Fury's droning.

He opened his eyes again and he was back at his tower sitting in the dark with only the muted glow of the reactor and bright light of the tablet screen as light.

It's his birthday and he's spending the rest of the night by himself on the couch with a customary glass of scotch and his tablet. Tony had declined for a party that year, not feeling like dealing with a house full of people who knew his name but not the other way around.

Clint and Natasha are out on some kind of mission which he just suspects is some kind of vacation really. Pepper and Rhodey have already been around, brought him their presents a small cake and took him to dinner. Bruce is in Bosnia of all places, and lord knows where Thor is. A parcel comes flying over the back of the couch and lands right next to Tony scaring the living hell out of him for a few seconds. Steve's head leaning over the back accompanies it grinning. "Geeze give a man a heart attack. Thought it was some kind of aerial attack or something."

Tony looks over the small item in question it looks to be a present. Steve comes around the side and sits next to him. Pulling the string and neatly folded paper away gingerly, Steve waits patiently in his little corner. Nothing really prepared Tony for what he found.

It's a kitted scarf, mostly red with little yellowish tassels hanging from the ends. The stitches are loose in some spots and a little uneven in some other spots. Obviously hand made. "You make this?"

"Yeah...first one I've finished that I actually liked, you don't have to wear it or anything just couldn't think of what to get you." Steve explains humbly his hands in his lap twiddling his thumbs.

Tony's captivated by it, he doesn't exactly know what to say. Steve, the Star Spangled Man himself, knitted him, Tony Stark a scarf for his birthday. God he was going to get diabetes just holding the thing. "No no, its great. When did you learn to knit?"

"Oh uh Darcy taught me to while she and Jane came to visit for the holidays she said it was supposed to be relaxing. At first it wasn't but after a while it really was." Tony suddenly couldn't get the image of a frustrated cap holding knitting needles while trying to figure out the right way to stitch. By imagination it was all almost too precious to handle.

Tony was know resting his head on the arm rest trying to contain himself it was too much.

"What?!"

"No no its just, no ones ever made me anything before its, I'm not programmed to process anything on this level. Gimmie a minute." He laughed slightly wringing the poor thing in his hands trying to calm down. The look on Steve's wasn't helping either.

"I remember I could tell you looked pretty proud of it actually. And I have to admit, it was probably the best present anyone had ever given me. What am I saying probably, it was. And I was actually really looking forward to wearing in the winter." Tony narrated out loud still staring down at it. "It almost wasn't fair."

"Now I just don't know how I'm going to top this." Steve raised his eyebrows in genuine surprise then smiled again, bright and warm.

"Happy birthday Tony."

A cold feeling began to creep in warding off the warmth he had had just moments before. Tony stared back at Steve, who looked fuzzy around the edges. feeling the smile draining from his face when he suddenly remembered why he was here, in this was a good memory.

"...Wait..."

Snow is suddenly falling around them collecting into the couch and the sticking to their clothes and hair. The couch is now outside. Steve's not sitting beside him anymore and his in the suit.

He can see them all standing far out on a snowy hill slowly disappearing onto the horizon he tries walking towards them but the suits too heavy

Something knocks into him from behind, or he slips he can't remember but now he's face down on the ice. Can't move but he can hear the ice cracking beneath him.

"Tony!"

Someone's yelling at him but he doesn't move.

* * *

Tony jerks back to attention. "You wake up before us for once?"

"Nope." He's in the kitchen in the tower, sitting at the kitchen island, face down on the cold granite. His tablet and what he thinks is his sixth cup of coffee sitting close by. Everyone's there and they're all staring at him like he'd just popped his own eyes out and put them back in for kicks. "Can't wake up if you never went to sleep!"

"What?!"

"You've been up since we got back?"

"Yup."

"Well, I had this idea for and upgrade for the suit, and once I got an idea gotta run with it or it'll tear me apart. Shuttle trapped on the launch pad."

Truth was he couldn't sleep, no matter what he did. After having half a building land on him and digging himself out of the rubble before he was crushed to death he was too keyed up to sleep.

"Jesus Stark, how are you alive?"

"By the sheer by the collective will of the cosmos and coffee!" He announced proudly before slamming his forehead onto the tables surface. "Ow."

"Come on." A gentle hand placed itself onto one of his shoulders while the other hand lifted one of his arms up and around a pair of broad shoulders.

"Lets go. Bed for you."

"But I don't wannaaa."

"I will pick you up and carry you to bed, so help me."

"Do it I dare you, Cap...HEEYYY." And Steve had been true to his word, flipping Tony over his right shoulder and carrying him off to his room. Kicking and screaming like an angry five year old. "DAMMIT STEVE! Unhand me, at once fiend!" He yelled into Steve's back, who just gave a hearty laugh.

"Tony, you need to sleep. We don't need you passing out in random places anymore, as entertaining as that is. Do you really need Clint taking anymore candid photos of you sleeping in weird places?" He shifted Tony's weight but kept walking despite his struggling. "And stop kicking what are you five?"

"Put me down or else!"

"oo or what?"

"I'll upgrade your phone again."

"You wouldn't!"

"Try me, now put me down! Oof." Tony was suddenly flipped back over landing on his back into his bed. Steve hovering over him playfully, pinning him down to the mattress by his wrists.

"There I put you down, now don't touch my telephone." He stayed like that for a second then pulled away, turned and walked out of the room. Tony bolted upright and called after him.

He's on the couch now dizzy sluggish a a bit giddy. That Darcy girl is sitting next to him semi coherent, saying something about cheese fries. That sounded both awesome and gross at the same time. It was just the two of them tonight everyone out doing their own thing while they stayed in and 'bonded'.

The coffee table is riddled with shot glasses, limes, salt shakers and a nearly empty bottle of tequila. This was the night that Darcy claimed she could match him shot for shot. Which she totally could. Tony was genuinely impressed.

"You can hold your own I like you. Like the little sister I never wanted." Darcy had flipped him the finger with a smile. "Not many people can try to drink me under the table and actually almost win. Steve and Thor don't count. Barton's a totally light weight. Shhh don't tell him I told you that." Tony said in a loud whisper.

"I am not you dick." Barton's voice defended itself coming out of the dark startling both of them.

"I told you not to say anything!" Tony said in the same overdramatic whisper while Darcy cracked up into a throw pillow. "Didn't mean to ruffle your feathers birdbrain but you are."

Steve was suddenly there peering over the couch Tony couldn't tell if he was amused or disappointed, probably both. "Oh look they're home! Hey capsicle hows it hanging?!" Tony asked resting his head on the back of the couch, peering up at him.

Tony moves and is now facedown in the cushions "Steeeeeb."

"Steeeeb" He called out feebly, his nose was plugged up his head hurt and everything sucked. Tony Stark didn't get sick. He must be dying.

"Steeeeeeeb" Steve was ignoring his pleas now, especially since he'd had JARVIS notify him and Pepper early this morning that he was in fact dying. Pepper responded in her normal 'suck it up you are a grown man' way. But Steve had genuinely been alarmed.

"What?!"

"I'm dying."

"What?"

"I see the light."

"You're not dying."

"Bring me my soup!"

"I told you it's not done yet just wait."

"Can I have another blanket then?"

"In a minute."

"Pepper left you in charge of my sad sorry condition. How dare you teat me this way. Denying me my final wishes."

Tony slid off the couch and got to his hands and knees. Crawling on the floor playing up the drama for attention. Steve wouldn't look at him. He wanted Steve to look at him. So he crawled further towards the kitchen, must find him. He called out to him more but Steve still wouldn't answer.

Tony finally stopped, exhausting himself with dramatics, deciding to rest. Laying back down on the floor face down.

But instead of his face resting on the soft carpet of his living room, he was staring into the darkness of the inside of his helmet the HUD blank and unresponsive. The coppery taste of blood mixing with the perpetual metallic/coconutish taste already in his mouth. A sharp pain in his side, something sharp digging into his ribs. Warm blood pooling inside of the suit.

Strong hands are ripping the suit apart with incredible force trying to free him from it before he bleeds to death. He can hear the bits of the armor being torn away and chucked onto the ground. Rolling him onto his back the faceplate disappears so now he's staring up into a grey sky. Voices calling out to him asking if they can hear him shaking him gently trying to keep him conscious.

Blinking up in blurred faces. Turning his head to look to his left he notices he's laying on grass now. Running his fingers through it for a moment he sits up, completely fine now. And also alone. Rolling to his knees the grass is damp beneath him.

Now he's standing in front of two caskets. The air cold and damp. Mom, Dad. "Well this sucks." Tony states allowed to no one. But someone answers back.

"Yep, you said it." Steve was standing next to him now. In his dress uniform out of some sort of respect. Tony glanced back and the caskets were now two worn headstones. "It's still unreal that he's gone. It was literally days ago for me that I had just seen him, younger than you."

Steve hooked his arm into his own and pulled him close, stopping the cold wind from blowing between them, "I miss him too." Steve's lips were at his ear his voice low and comforting. Fingers intertwined with his. No he's not supposed to be here, dammit Steve. His grip on Steve's arm tightens.

"Steve, don't leave."

"Leave?"

"Please stay please." Tony pleads quickly desperation creeping into his voice.

Tony was left standing alone clutching onto nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

**_"No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories."_**

**_― Haruki Murakami_**

* * *

There's a shrill beeping sound and Tony's back at his Malibu mansion. In his robe, reclining on the couch, drink in hand. Breathing hard from the sudden jump. It's quiet, and warm and he's alone. Save for Coulson, who's in the next room talking on his phone to someone, Fury most likely.

"Damn." Tony shook off the chill from that last memory and the sudden jump to another. "Damn." He says again louder. Tony sighed and set the drink down on the side table and sank into the couch to think. What happened to the whole 'Dont think about them' thing? Easier said then done.

He synthesized a new element for Christ's sake, why was it so hard to take control of his own train of thought? Tony tried to think about it quickly, because who knows when this bit would suddenly disappear and jump to something else? Though Tony had noticed most of the memories he'd already jumped through involved steve one way or another. Why? Steve's shield was the last thing Tony remember seeing. Could be.

In a wink the shield was leaning against the bar. Shiny and pristine just like Steve. Walking over to it Tony reached down for it.

"Stark."

Whipping his head to look behind him, Coulson was standing there, sunglasses off looking half impressed half surprised. "Do you know what that is?" He pointed.

"Of course I do...It's..." Looking back it wasn't Steve's shield anymore, but some unfinished looking prototype with half its guts showing. "Ugh this is fucked. Seriously."

"You're telling me." Coulson quipped, as a red spot on his chest beginning to soak through his white shirt. Tony cringed back as Coulson walked towards him, the closer he got the bigger the red spot grew. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small stack of red stained cards. Handing them out to Tony casually as if there were nothing wrong. "Next time you see him could you give these to him? I'm a bit tied up at the moment."

Tony reluctantly reached for the red slick cards, looking down at the vintage cards that weren't so mint anymore. "Alright." His voice sounding uncharacteristically small. Nodding and sliding the cards into his pocket.

"Ask him to sign them to Phil. Thanks Stark." Coulson put his sunglasses back on and smiled, blood already seeping out of the corners of his mouth.

Tony shut his eyes tight again. Something else, something else quick.

He's looking at Happy now, both in sweat suits equipped with boxing gloves. Tony stops for a moment.

Ok, this wasn't so bad. He could work with this memory for now. Maybe if he could strech the memory out some, hide out a bit here it would be ok. Tony ducks a few gentle swings and backs down to the side of the ring when he hears Pepper call out.

"Natalie from legal is here."

Hell.

They both looked towards the door and there was Natasha, the first time he'd seen her, he image already going blurry. No no no no. He couldn't think of Natasha either. He had to do something, anything change the memory quick.

He thought about blurting out "I'm dying!" just to muddle the water a bit but its too late. Now he was sitting aside, next to Pepper watching Natasha kick Happy's ass in one swift motion. Tony still extremely impressed and Pepper extremely startled by it. Whom stands up in said shock and attempts to go up to the ring to assess Happy's well being. Natasha just gets up effortlessly and stands to the side slowly going out of focus.

Pepper.

Tony reached out and grabbed hold of her arm holding her back. Pepper looked back at him her forehead wrinkled in concern. He hated when she was worried or sad. She was always so good to him. He hadn't deserved her. "Tony?"

"I'm sorry Pep..."

Looking back at the ring Happy was standing by himself, looking over at the other two leaning over the ropes to get a look at what was going on. Nat was gone. Shit. He could deal with that memory gone but none others.

Think harder...But that gave him an idea. If thinking other memories didn't work what if he hid in something deliberately forgotten. Unpleasant even. Something buried something repressed and obscure. Where it would take them time to find him again under the layers of repression.

"Alright Tony, now punch me."

"Wait what?"

They were in the ring again. Only now he back at Stark Tower and was staring down Steve. Clint sitting with Bruce off to the side hooting and heckling.

"You can't always count on your armor. You need to learn to defend yourself without it. "

"No, wait. We can't." Tony struggled with finding the right words to sound convincing. Dammit. "We don't have time for this." This was the time that Steve had been convinced that Tony was in danger for relying on his suit so much. Sparing match seemed like it was a good idea, it hadn't really ended well on his end.

"Come on." Steve squared himself. "Do it." He demanded.

Tony ignored him and jumped out of the ring. Rounding towards the door against Clint's booing and pieces of popcorn he was chucking at him. Steve called after him but Tony tried to switch his mind to something else. Because despite getting his ass handed to him gift wrapped in front of Clint and Bruce, which yes sucked, this was actually a good memory and he'd prefer to keep it. This wasn't unpleasant enough to hide in. He had to dig deeper.

Repressed, unpleasant.

Peppers yelling at him about something. She's always yelling at him. But what about this time? Work related maybe? No she's not in one of her business outfits. Their argument is serious. It was hazy and incoherent. Tony couldn't make out what Pepper was saying exactly or remember what he had said back. Probably because he had repressed it, or perhaps he was just really drunk that night. What were they arguing about though? Maybe this was a little too obscure, but then again did it matter?

She turned to leave, Tony stretched out a hand and tried to call out to her but this time he couldn't reach her. The door had closed and she was already gone.

Now he's in Malibu again, its his birthday. The night he'd decided it was a good idea to wear the suit, and had gotten drunk in it. Rhodey is in the War Machine. He's saying something but he's not listening. He's having a good time despite the slowly being poisoned thing. And now they're about to shoot each other. Before the blasts collide he's pushed back into the wall.

Suddenly he's face down in sand. It's hot and he's tired. Hurt, sore and thirsty. Chunks of the very first suit made in captivity scattered around him.

Rhodey is bounding through the sand towards him, now in uniform. Wrapping his arms around him so incredibly glad to see him alive.

"Rhodey...RHODEY WAIT."

There's a sudden pain in his chest, and now he's laying back into the couch. Obidah's faceless head is hovering over him, chattering something garbled and indistinct. Literally tearing his heart out. Tony can feel his heart sputter and sharp pains radiate through his chest and arms.

Everything fades out. And for a few moments he opens his eyes. He's on his back and he cant move. Faces appear over him blurry a light casting halos around his head. They're mumbling to each other.

_"His eyes are open?"_

_"Is he awake?"_

_"Exhibiting symptoms of heart palpitations."_

_"He's fine"_

_"But he's awake."_

_"He is fine. I'll take care of this."_

_"What if he dies? Then all this research and data gone."_

_"Don't worry about that. Go check on the others then."_

_"I didn't think it would be this tough to erase a hand full of people. The other subjects never took this long. But they are really making it a pain"_

_"Especially Stark, he's gone off the grid so many times, be sure to keep a close eye on him. Keep him on track."_

_"They'll find you...stop you..." Tony thinks feebly when there's a pinch in his arm and the blurry haloed beings fade to black again._

* * *

Staring up at everyone Steve staring down at him eyes wide in fear. Now smiling in relief that Tony is in fact not dead. He'd saved New York, taking the nuke up into wherever space.

He blinked and one less avenger was standing above him. Thor was no longer to his left. Another blink and so was Hulk.

"No." Tony closed his eyes. 'No I want to keep this one please, take any other just not this one.'

It was a simple moment really despite almost having died in space then on the ground, the sight of Steve smiling down at him genuinely glad that he was alive meant more than any of the other memories combined.

"Tony?"

He opened his eyes again and only Steve remained. His hand on his chest neat the arc. He looked sad now. Tony didn't like it when Steve looked sad. It was unnatural. Slowly he fade out of view and Tony reaches forwards but he's thin air before contact is made. Tony rolls over onto his front quickly, gets to his feet. The suit suddenly light, flexible and cooperative.

"Wait...WAIT!" Tony yells up at nothing.

* * *

There's another loud beep and When Tony comes to again he's looking down at the ground, there's a crater in his floor.

The crater, where a crazy Norse god crawled out of. The one who threw him out his window. His penthouse was still a wreck, broken glass and furniture splayed all over the place. He's vaguely aware that there are other people there too and there's a hole in his floor. He gave Hulk quiet kudos at the fact that he'd smashed Loki hard enough to smash a freaken crevasse in his stone floor. Tony wished he'd been there to see it. He'd have to remind himself to get JARVIS for a playback later.

Barton is standing next to him, looking down at the crater too. Hands in his pockets, teetering on his heels assessing the damage. Barton starts giggling quietly to himself. At first Tony is annoyed, but with Barton's giggling mixed with fatigue and the mental image of Hulk throwing Loki around,that the more he looked at it the funnier it got.

And now both he and Clint were cracking up over the ragged hole in the floor. The others were probably looking at them like they'd finally cracked. But It was just so damned funny. At the time at least. Tony's sides hurt, he still tasted blood and his tower was a wreck.

"You're kind of a jackass but you're alright Barton." Tony said out loud.

"Gee thanks."

Tony could see figures in his peripherals, Clint's still rocking back and forth, black and red to his right standing near the broken window, and a blueish red figure to his far left is kicking around rubble. He didn't look directly at any of them.

Don't look. He told himself. If I don't see him he's not there.

Tony turned to go, leave the room something anywhere, when a large strong hand clamped down on his shoulder and pulled him hard backwards. Tony stumbled back a few steps crashing back first into something solid and warm.

"What a joyous occasion it is to see you all on this day friends!" Thor's voice is bright and deep, Tony can feel it as it vibrates through him, his thick heavy arm is around his shoulders. "Merry Christmas as you would say!"

Its not exactly Christmas yet, its like a day before Christmas eve but everyone's already in the spirit. Well at least Thor, Steve and Pepper are.

Thor lets go of Tony, crossing the room majestically to the large half decorated Christmas tree in the corner. He's wearing a Santa hat which Tony wonders where he had gotten it from. Probably same source Steve had gotten his.

Tony sat back into a stood and poured rum into his eggnog that had appeared in front of him, while watching Thor and Steve decorate the tree. Thor's girlfriend Jane and their friend Darcy tried to explain what Christmas was about. Barton sat off to the side losing a fight with a wad of tinsel while Pepper curled up on the couch next to Bruce and watched.

This is the first Christmas he's has in forever where he's actually decorated or even spent with people. Christmas wasn't really his thing, the decorations, repetitive songs and cold weather, it got really irritating really fast in his opinion. And he was somewhat reluctant to have such festivities in his home, and at first he'd mainly went along with it for Thor and Cap's sake.

Tony had been completely unprepared for both their sad puppy faces they'd both given him when Tony had stated Christmas wasn't in the actual plan, they were almost painful. Like two big golden retrievers being denied treat and pats on the head.

"How could two grow men be that precious I'll never know." Tony muttered out loud taking a drink of his egg nog. "If any of you start singing I will throw up. Fair warning." Tony called out to everyone, who just laughed, while Thor's face fell some.

"Oh you love them." Natasha tittered beside him, quietly sliding her cup over closer to the bottle of rum. Tony gave it a long pour then sat back. "Like two big kids you like to spoil admit it."

It was true, that there's something nice in both of their genuine happiness. Thor being Thor, he was delighted by everything in this "realm", dubbing everything most awesome, ingenious or wondrous. Steve was just happy, he finally looked comfortable, the ugly sweaters and music was almost worth it.

So he went all out for them. Decorations, food and best tree he could get his hands on. Go big or go home, he's always said.

"Christmas not your thing either? No warm fuzzy feelings of joy and goodwill towards man?"

"Wouldn't really know." She gave him a shrug then taking a long drink.

"That makes two of us then." Tony raised his mug and they tapped them together in a toast to a crappy childhood. "Looks like Clint's having difficulties." Tony pointed out a poor looking Clint pulling away strands of tinsel sticking to his clothes. "His love of shiny things must be a bitch on missions."

Tony heard a sigh and the sound of metal scarping across stone as Natasha stood up from her seat. Tony glanced to his side and Natasha was already gone, only her lone mug remained on the countertop. So was the the bottle of rum he'd been fiddling with, leaving his hand raised up before him, wrapped around nothing.

Tony stared down at his empty hand for a moment then looked back to everyone else. The lights already seemed dim and the colors of the decorations faded. Tony gets up and walks towards Steve a few steps, and considers actually telling this Steve what was actually going on. Maybe they're be a chance to actually save him from being completely erased.

That, probably could work.

Steve is reaching up above him to hang a bulb on a branch overhead, when Tony approaches and reluctantly reaches out to him. He stops mid motion, on his toes arm raised above him. The fibers of his sweater stretched across his large biceps. Steve raises his eyebrows attentively then looks up. Tony looks up too and notices a sprig of mistletoe hanging above him. "Oh Cap this is all so sudden, well then tis the season." Tony coquettishly says miming as if he were fixing a tie.

Steve pulled off the Santa hat, balled it up and threw it in Tony's face playfully. "Shut up." He laughs. Pulling the hat away from his eyes quickly, but

Steve is gone. So is everyone else.

The room is bare and muted of color. He's alone.

Tony looks down at his hands, at what was once the Santa hat, which is now the red scarf.

Tony drops it to the floor, when hears the loud beep again.


	4. Chapter 4

**_"Memories, even bittersweet ones, are better than nothing."_**

**_― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Onyx_**

* * *

Tony is in Pepper's office.

Pepper is staring at him angrily from across the desk. For some reason there's a box of strawberries on his lap. That weird flippy desk thingy is extremely distracting. Where did that come from? Who made that? Wait.

Focus!

Tony sits there for a moment, staring down at the strawberries in the box. It was a mistake to get them Pepper was allergic, he knew that. Stupid stupid. This sucks everything sucks right now. Each time he was thrown into another memory he felt like he was taken back to square one. "Do not past Go, Do not collect 200 dollars."

Tony looks back at Pepper who's semi patiently waiting for him to say something. "I'm dying." He says out loud. Pepper's eyes widen in surprise.

"What?"

"Dying. I was dying here...palladium...toxic...but..." He explained, though not exactly speaking to this Pepper directly. Basically thinking out loud narrating his thoughts. That hazy feeling began to set in again and Tony noticed the strawberries on his lap were gone. Shit.

"What are you talking about?" He stood up and moved towards the door then stopped. "Tony are you even listening?!" Tony spun back around to look at her, the chair he'd been sitting in was gone, so was that weird spinny desk thing.

"Shiiiit. Pep we have to go now." Without actually considering why he grabbed Pepper by the wrist, pulling her out of her chair and out the door. The room behind them fading out of existence and they passed through the door. He's got to take her before she disappeared with the scenery again.

Dragging Pepper down the hallways, the pictures on the walls began to fade while walls started to close in and crumble around them. "Go? Go where? Where are we going?" Pepper called from behind.

"Pepper I need your help. Memories, being wiped. Can't stop, but must stop. Running out of ideas. Why am I talking in fragments?"

"Are you drunk?"

"You know I really wish I were."

"Alright, Ok. Why are your memories being erased?" She asked tiredly as they rounded another corner.

"I don't know. One minute I'm in a plane headed to Germany, next I'm quantum leaping." Now in some random hallway Tony desperately looked for some other way to go, trying to let Pepper keep up with him. She may just be a figment of his psyche but he's glad as hell that she was there. "I've tried not thinking about it, thinking about something different, bad things. And Steve keeps popping up in most of them, I tried to grab him in the last one but he was gone before I could."

Dream Pepper seems to understand his babble completely, despite the lack of detail or clarity. "Well, what if you grab him and take him in along too? Seems to be working with me."

Pepper was right, though the last memory was gone Pepper was still trailing behind him. He'd grab Steve the next time he showed up. "Pep you're a genius remind me to give you a raise when if I wake up. This way."

They headed through a dark tunnel. The smell of grease and gunpowder. Past heaps of metal and wires cracked monitors and crates with weapons. He could almost hear Yinsen's voice again. Ugh nope. Next. He continued still toting Pepper behind him focusing on the feel of her hand in his. Out of the darkness into the night.

Standing out in the forest, looks like he's back in Germany. The first time he met Thor, retrieving Loki. He shouldn't have tried to fight the god of thunder but he'd taken his rightfully obtained prisoner. He couldn't have that. He could still hear the ringing in his ears from the impact of Thor's hammer on Cap's shield.

Cap's shield. Steve!

"Are we done here?" Steve asked in his best authoritative voice. Tony looked around staring at Thor unable to look away. "What's wrong?"

Flipping up the HUD he wanted to urge Thor to get out of here but that would that even help? Steve's voice brought his attention back to him.

"Stark! Do you know who that is?"

They both looked back and Thor was no longer standing there. Just his hammer left behind on the ground where he once stood, its handle sticking up. "Where'd he go?" Tony realized he wasn't in his suit anymore, neither was Steve.

"STEVE! SHIT WE GOTTA GO COME ON!" Tony yelled getting behind him and pushing him forwards instead of trying to tug Steve's large form along with him. It was too late to try to even attempt to save Thor. They needed to hurry. The leaves on the trees around them drying up raining around them in a dry crinkly snow.

"Pep! Pepper! I got him lets go!" Mild panic seized him when he couldn't locate Pepper in the chaos of the disintegrating forest. Damn he let her go for one second and she was gone. Lost to a memory she didnt belong in. He swore again and just seized Steve's arm and moved forwards.

"What's going on?"

"I'll brief you on the way! We have to find Pepper again first."

They ran the scenery zipping past them random images bled together. Tony stopped to think, Steve nearly crashing into him from behind. Think Tony...Oh! He turned to Steve. "How do you feel about Monaco?"

"Monaco?"

"Yep, lovely country Monaco is, riches, pristine hotels, and hey if you're lucky you'll get to see me crash a race car."

Ignoring Steve's confused face, Tony opened the door and it led to the inside of a casino, crowded full of well dressed people. The sounds of chatter and clinking glasses swirled around them while weaving their way through the sea of regality. Tony pulled Steve aside pressing their backs against the wall.

"Ok. OK good this is good. For now." Tony turned to Steve who was busy looking around the casino curiously. Tony looked him over, the two of them were in tuxes as well Tony liked what he saw. "You know I rarely see you in a monkey suit Cap, looking spiffy." Steve looked away turning slightly red, Tony couldn't tell if he was pleased with the compliment or just uncomfortable. "I should've dress you up more often."

"Can you tell me why were running?"

"Trying to keep you off the chopping block. My current theory is if I keep you close maybe I can hide you guys, and maybe you'll stick around longer. I think it might be too late for everyone else but you're here so I'm gonna try to save you." Tony rambled while pulling Steve into a doorway. "I mean Ima try.

Steve's face was serious but he seemed to understand completely too, Tony liked this he wished everyone was this compliant in real life.

"Huh. So we're being erased?"

"Yep. Your brains being fried too."

"Me too?!"

"As we speak."

"Who is? Why?"

Tony shrugged. "The worlds a twisted place Steve my bog." is all Tony said then turning away. They waited, finally he spotted Pepper near the Bar talking to Hammer. "Wait never mind, stay close."

"There you are..."

"No time, we gotta go, thank you for your whatever, seeya." Tony took the champagne flute out of Pepper's hand and took hold of it, while reaching behind him for Steve's and lead them both towards the exit. "Ok I got him lets go."

"Where are we going?" Steve asked innocently.

"Good question." Tony answered and turned to Pepper for a suggestion. She made that "why are you asking me" face then rolled her eyes.

"Something from when you were younger?"

That could work.

Tony lets go of each of their hands and stops. He's standing outside and its cold, really cold. Why is he so cold? Maybe because he isn't wearing any pants, or anything else. It's dark and kind of drizzly and there were another group of people behind him egging him on.

Oh. College. Streaking, Ok.

"Why am I not surprised?" Pepper's scoffed unmoved.

"I kinda am, I admit it." Steve raises his hand and even in his thoughts is avoiding eye contact with a blush.

"Pants are for squares." Tony looked back at Pepper and Steve, Pepper was still unmoved while Steve painfully looked in different directions. "Jeebus Cap then don't look then, give me a break this is the first thing that came to mind. I'm working off trial and error here. Onward."

Tony ran through the dark courtyard while his dream companions followed suit. When he heard the shouting and flashing lights of campus security and Tony bolted the other direction leaping behind some shrubs for cover. The familiar nostalgic thrill of college shenanigans was nice to visit. Tony hadn't thought about this in years. He was only caught once Tony prided himself about that.

"You've done this before." Steve noted.

"Once every semester." Tony grinned.

"And New Years and Mardi Gras, spring break, your birthday weekend in Cabo." Pepper listed off his offenses nonchalantly. "The list goes on."

"Like I said pants are for squares." Tony grinned back at the two of them. Gosh he loved these two. Pepper took everything in stride and Steve was just plain uncomfortable. Tony could just wrap them in blankets and keep them forever. He needed to hang onto these two the tightest. "Ok I admit it not one of my better antics. But what can I say? Tony Fucking Stark, Trademark Copyright etc, doesn't turn down a dare."

Tony sighed. Ok time to find another hiding place. Where to next? Somewhere embarrassing or unpleasant.

"Unpleasant." Tony said out loud turning to look around.

Just then there was an explosion and he was thrown hard sideways. Tony tried to get up but intense sharp pains in his chest kept him immobile. Tearing open his shirt he saw spots beginning to stain as his wounds began to bleed through. Wow even in his dreams or whatever this was it still hurt. "Ugh that'll work."

He looked up and noticed Steve and Pepper were conspicuously absent. "Steve? Pep?" Tony called out feebly his voice crippled by the taste of dirt and copper in his mouth. Steve was the one who came bounding from behind the rock, dressed head to toe in present day tan camo fatigues. Steve looking over his chest wounds.

"Reporting for duty Captain." Tony gave him a weak salute and coughed on the last bits, spraying the side of Steve's face with dark droplets. Steve threw himself over him to shield him from another blast. "Where's Pepper?"

"I don't know." Steve replied breathless and alert pushing his helmet back. Tony could feel his heart sputtering again as razor sharp pain sliced through his chest. "We'll find her after, but you can't stay here much longer though Tony, you could die."

"Nahh I'll be fine. Just find me a giant magnet and some bandaids I'll be right as rain." Tony coughed again as another blast went off next to him, though it hadn't sounded as loud as the other had. Steve threw himself over him again and hooked his arms underneath him, pulling him to his feet and dragging him forwards. "

Sound was beginning to fade out and it was getting darker. Tony rested the back of his head against Steve's chest and stared up at his serious face glad he was still there. "Wish you really had been there. I like you here" Tony had said but Steve didn't seem to hear him. More narrative thoughts. "You look good in fatigues." Steve seemed to hear that one though. He just rolled his eyes.

"Not now." Steve mumbled pulling Tony behind another, bigger rock. His arms still tight around him, Tony held fast too. Even if most of this memory wasn't real it was still a nice feeling to be protected this way for once.

"Gonna admit it though Cap, kinda falling for you here. Now starting to see why you're a captain."

"Stuff it Stark, at least until we find better cover."

"Well I can see why you weren't a medic, your bedside manner is terrible."

"I said quiet."

"Sure. Just don't leave this time kay?" Tony waited for a quip but got nothing. Steve was gone. Another blast went off and Tony did his best to crawl under a rock for safety. Maybe he could even stay there, forever.

* * *

Back in the tower, it was 4th of July also conveniently Steve's birthday, poor guy. It just kept piling on for him didn't it? Tony remembered wanting to laugh uncontrollably when he found out that the 4th of July was really Steve's birthday. He'd honestly though it was a marketing thing.

Everyone was out on the balcony watching a fireworks display while Tony had retreated back inside, and was looking for something. Nearly tearing his own building apart looking for whatever it was.

"Can't find it...PEPPER!" Tony yelled his head inside one of his smaller closets now, dark and now messy the light from the arc reactor lighting up his way even semi muted by his t-shirt. "Pep.." Pepper appeared behind him abruptly hands on her hips. It was a relief to see her even if she looked irritated.

"Couldn't find it..." he said turning away, he was now sitting inside under the canopy of suits and ties. "What was I looking for?'

"You were looking for Steve's present, even after I told you three separate time's I'd left it on your night stand." Tony looks up towards his bedside table and there was the small red box conspicuously sitting there.

"Right." He knew that. He decided not to question why he was looking in the closet in the first place. He knew why he was stalling.

Tony got up from his knees and slowly paced towards it. He stared down at it for a long moment before reaching for it. "I had Steve's watch fixed after it crapped out." He recalled looking down at the gift box he knew that had contained the wristwatch older than him. "I'd offered to buy him a new one, a better one. Even offered to build him one but I realized it wasn't the actual watch that was important. So I sent it to the best people I knew, even had it restored."

"Did you give it to him?"

"No."

The box was bigger now, or maybe Tony was just little. Nope he's little. Really little. His tiny hands are holding onto a big box wrapped in red paper. Surrounded by a mountain of other gifts. He isn't excited about the present like most five year olds should be on Christmas. He's disappointed Dad isn't there. Mom doesn't seem to be anywhere either, but one of the nannys is probably close by.

"Dad was always good at fixing problems, just throw money at it." The glistening of the tree dulled, the colors of the packages did too.

He was now sitting on the floor of his workshop Dummy whirring off to his side looking as if it were peering down at him with some kind of sympathy. The package in his hands replaced with yet another glass of scotch. It's another warm Christmas in Malibu and he's alone.

Tony gets up, pushes through the lab doors and trots up the stairs. And walks straight into a press conference. Camera flashes going off, the people behind them each faceless.

He walks down the isle between both sets of chairs and pushes through another set of doors leading to a courtroom. Rhodey is at the stand. Hammer is jabbering away about national security risks.

He keeps walking out onto the bridge of the SHEILD helicarrier. Past all the agents staring at large monitors, past Agent Hill standing front and center supervising. He's partly tempted to go see if Loki was still in the holding cell but ended up walking into the entrance of the cafe down the street, while he, Steve and Clint sat at a corner table waiting for their orders.

Things feel like they're starting to run together now. Tony could slowly feel the very little control he'd seized earlier slipping. Like once the outside source knew he'd figured it out they made sure he stayed on track.

There was a sharp pain building behind his eyes. Hell his brain was probably being fried while he was lying here. Each time he tried to hide somewhere to throw the procedure off, it just felt like his brain would be seized and forced back on some kind of set track. He felt slower now, dragging the both of them around while trying to think up different places for them to hide was tiring him out. Maybe trying to fight to keep their memories alive was causing more damage than it prevent.

"Just keep walking." He tells himself as he rounds another corner. Maybe. Maybe it was better just to stop.

Through the doorway he can see out onto a balcony, looking over the Los Angeles cityscape. Pepper, in her blue satin dress, that he apparently picked out for her, she's beautiful. Pepper was so good to him and Tony did love her really he did, but he didn't deserve her. He didn't deserve anyone that good to him.

He had to let her go. Hopefully when he woke up he'd know her, please let this work.

"Pep." Tony called out to her, she turned slowly and by the look on her face she already seemed to know what he was going to say. She walked forwards and put her hands on his chest gently.

"Ok." She says simply with complete understanding. "It's ok."

Tony wrapped his arms around her pulling her in tight. Burying his face in the nape of her neck. Sorry was the only thing Tony then quickly changed his train of thought and in a blink Pepper was gone.

Standing alone on the balcony. Tony patted his pants and remembered the cards he'd taken from Coulson a few memories earlier. They were worn with age but clean and mint again. Tony fanned out the cards in his hands each with an old picture of Captain America in various poses. He smiled.

He walked through the door again and back in the penthouse, dark and quiet. Pepper's gone, her stuff is still there but she's gone. Tony sets the cards down on the coffee tableand notices Steve's sketchpad laying in the center. Tony looked down at it when he heard Steve's voice behind him.

"Tony?"

"Yeah. Found your sketchpad, you left it outside, and it got a little wet. Don't worry I didnt look inside." He said without taking his eyes away from it.

"Oh. Ok. Throw it out then. I'll just get a new one. Thanks." Steve said sounding deteatched. When Tony turned no one was there.

Tony picks up the sketchpad, and passes the trash can, and head down towards the lab, taking the sketchpad with him.

There's a jump and Tony's busy tinkering with something when the thing explodes in his face in a loud pop. And Tony isn't phased at the singeing of his face, either he's too used to things blowing up in his face, or he's hit that state of drunk where he cant feel his face at all.

But yeah he's fine. Fine fine fine.

Steve doesn't think so though. When he finally goes back upstairs after a couple hours, Steve pounces on him immediately. He's horrified with how nonchalantly Tony is about having a huge gash on his forehead from a bit of shrapnel that had blown in his face. Tony reaches up and wipes the blood off from his temple, huh.

Oh hey there's a gash in his forearm too, when did that happen? Tony's attempts at shrugging Steve off fail. And he is sitting in a chair while across from Steve while dabs wounds and up the gash on his arm neatly and gently. Talking to him, asking him questions but Tony's not listening.

This was towards the beginning when everyone was still slowly accepting the invite to come stay at the tower. Things haven't been so great between he and Steve, but are gradually getting better. So far Tony's learned that Steve has the tendency to mother hen when any of them are hurt. Its kind of obnoxious to have him hover around when all you want to do is be alone with your injuries.

Tony thought about it, maybe it was the right time to let Steve go now too.

"Tony." Steve shakes his head as he dabs at the cuts. "How do you function?"

Tony doesn't say anything instead he wavers and falls forwards his forehead resting on Steve's shoulder. Tony closes his eyes and savors the closeness between them. Steve doesn't move, almost like he's unsure of how to respond. Tony is just sad now.

"Pepper's gone." Tony muffles into Steve's shoulder.

"I'm sorry."

"But you're still here though."

"Mhmm."

"Oh just kiss already Jesus." Barton finally grunts from his perch on the corner of the couch, interrupting their moment. "You know you want to." Natasha gives him a small slap upside the head and he pouts. Banner gives a small grin from his spot.

Steve's face goes pink and shrinks back into the cushions, crossing his arms and huffing off to the side. Tony cant tell from embarrassment or anger probably both, doesn't take much to set off Captain Sensitivity.

Everyone's together in the living room. They're all sitting around after a run in with Doom, patching themselves up and recuperating. The setting was hazy and dim, Tony could really see anyone's faces but was vaguely aware that they were there. He and Steve were bickering about something or another. Steve getting irritated with Tony's snarky comments it had been going on since they got back to the tower. Cap may not be as quick witted as he was but he sure didn't back out of an argument easy. That was half the fun of it.

"I don't know what you're into Barton but I'm not here for your viewing pleasure tweny-four seven. At least not for free." He gave him a wink and Clint gave an overly dramatic shutter. Steve looked even more uncomfortable. Tony honestly does like the company but not at the moment. He grabs his coffee from the coffee-table and silently leaves the room to go be alone in his lab. Hopefully no one will follow him.

Down in his lab again ad he's fuming. Fiddling with the suit for the billionth time, repairing a huge gash in the helmet. The HUD is fried so are the repulsors. Sometimes he wishes that he could go out and use it without having to build another. At least the suit was water resistant.

"Tony."

"What." He sighed putting his soldering gun down and turned slightly, he was holding two mugs of what he assumed was coffee. Tony turned back to his project. "Leave it on the table I don't like being handed things."

"Can you be serious for five seconds."

"Ok." Tony spun around in his chair, looked at him seriously, pushing up his goggles he put his fingers to his chin feigning deep thought. Then just as quickly pushed the goggles down and spun back around. "How was that?"

"Cute, that's cute."

"I aim to please. Now run along Spangles I'm sure there are some kittens in trees that need saving." Steve gave a loud exacerbated sigh but didn't leave. "How did you get in here anyways?"

"Ms. Potts gave me the code. Asked me to check on you."

"That traitor."

"Are you going to come up any time soon?"

"Hmm I don't know am I still a 'liability'?"

"Don't start."

"I'll take that as a yes then. And you can take my glorious back to you, as a 'I'll come out when I damned well feel like it'"

Tony just felt like Steve was overreacting. He was just way too uptight and serious. Tony liked to pick at him, getting him all worked up was almost like a game now. Calling him grandpa teasing him about his old fashioned ways. Sometimes Tony waited to be yelled at about his rock music and 8-track tapes.

"Look I'm not here to argue. Just a little worried is all. You took that shot pretty hard." But Steve had been lingering behind him since they got back. He knew that he just wanted to make sure he was ok but Tony just wasn't in the mood for his puppy face, or mother hen routine.

"It's fine. The suit can stand a little water." Steve made a a weird noise Tony just gave him a quick glance.

Steve was terrified when he'd though the worst when Tony had fallen into the bay and didn't come up for several minutes. The suit had been unresponsive which had been legitimately terrifying for those seven minutes. Tony did finally get it going again and came up right when Steve decided to finally jump in for him.

"I don't need you to worry about me. It's fine, I'm fine everything is fine. Everyone's fired from worrying about me, even Pepper. JARVIS make a note of this."

"Look I'm sorry I called you a liability alright. But we need to work as a team if we want a dynamic. If you keep going off doing whatever you want you're going to end up getting yourself killed."

"Are you done?"

There was a pause. "Yeah I'm done." Tony raised his hand and waved his fingers in a shooing gesture without looking up.

"Why do you always do that?" Steve disembodied voice asked deeply and forlorn.

"Do what?"

"Push people away who are just trying to help you?"

"Shut up Steve." Tony mumbled meekly trying to focus on whatever he was doing, which was now shrouded in darkness. He looked up again Steve was still there staring at him. Jaw squared face serious.

"What are you looking at?" Tony snapped, the traveling glass was back only this time the glass was basically just ice left. He was sitting at the bar alone in the dark, rain beating against the window close by.

Tony had been prepared for the night alone until Steve showed up. It was just one of those nights. Those nights where that scummy feel of self loathing covered every inch of himself, like a filmy residue that wouldn't come off no matter how hot the showers were or how much he drank.

At the point Steve had walked in on pouring his fourth glass scotch and Tony didn't really care about what he saw.

"Stop. I hate it when you look at me like that." Tony mumbled then took another long drink. Steve had seen Tony drink before, and had seen him drunk and he was pretty good with it. But on a bad night Tony was usually alone.

Steve had said something cliche along the lines of drinking doesn't solve anything, the picked up the bottle of scotch from the bar, pulling it out of his hand. Even though the bottle was basically empty it still pissed him off.

"The hell Rogers?"

"I think you've had enough."

"Well I think you need to mind your own damn business." Tony reached out in attempts to take the bottle back, but Steve pulled it away quickly. Tony hadn't been in the mood any of Rogers' goodie goodie bullshit tonight.

"You aren't going to find answers in this bottle Tony you know that."

"Who fucking asked you?!"

This memory was hazy and blurry, the images smeared together. Words were exchanged, notions of help were ignored. Tony couldn't pinpoint the exact moment his fuse had ended, there was struggle and Tony glass shattering mixing with spilt ice onto the floor.

Tony cursed loudly and jumped back some when his barefoot came in contact with a shard of broken glass, digging into into the bare skin of his heel.

Tony felt Steve's on one of his shoulders and he spun around, none too gracefully shoved him away. Blindly swinging his arms to get Steve to leave him alone. Yelling for Steve to not to touch him. But Steve retaliated quickly grabbing a fist full of Tony's shirt.

"I'm just trying to help you!" Steve yelled giving him a small but firm shake. "Look at yourself!"

"I don't NEED your help. I never asked for it and I sure as hell don't want it." Tony stopped and looked back at Steve's angry face, the residual rage fading as he assessed the memory.

"If I remember this night correctly, you caught me sauced out of my mind and told me I had a problem. I didn't take it too well." He told Steve who was still gripping his shirt, their faces inches away from each other. "The only time you ever seriously man handled me too."

"Because you kept trying to hit me."

"Yeah...Then I threw up on you."

"You sure did." Steve smirked some and loosened his hold letting Tony free, as if trying to avoid that part of the memory. Tony stepped back rubbing the wrinkles out of his shirt.

"Sorry about that by the way."

"It's alright." Steve tittered, stepping over the broken glass and sitting down on the couch. Scrubbing his hands over his face he sighed. "That was the only time you ever tried to hit me. I mean really hit me." Steve said, his forehead wrinkled at the unpleasant truth. "It's just. What was it that made you hate me so much?"

"Hate you? I didn't hate you. Ok maybe a little bit. Predisposition?" Tony shrugged. Steve looked a little hurt which annoyed Tony even more about the situation. Tony sighed. "In all honestly I was actually pretty jazzed to finally meet you. See what my Dad had been so hung up on all his life and mine. It was you who ruined it."

"What how'd I do that?" Steve practically squeaked, his face crumbling.

"The first time we met, when we were all together I mean. The way you looked at me, like you were so disappointed, angry even. Like you were expecting someone else but got me instead. I wanted us to get along I tried. You just couldn't take a joke you know. Then everything you did was just irritating after that. I was just disappointed in both of us."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Yeah I know. I know that now." Tony sat down on the couch next to Steve. After he said that a heavy sorrow set in like a weight on a string tied to his stomach pulling it down. Inevitability. And he could see it on Steve's face too.

Tony just couldn't stand the idea of someone he truly cared about possibly not remembering who he was and vice versa. Just the idea that It wouldn't bother either of them once they woke up but was area around them began to dull and fade out. This wouldn't last long either.

"But I can't stop it." He shut his eyes. "I'm sorry Steve, I tried."

"Yeah I know. You'd control time and space if you could." Damn right he would.

"It's just I don't want to give up. It's like letting them win."

Steve shrugged. "Then don't think of it as giving up then, more of a giving in."

"There's a difference?"

"If giving up is letting them win, then giving in is sort of accepting it I guess." Steve shrugged and gave him a small sad smile.

"You aren't allowed to be wise anymore." Tont smiled back the same and looked away. "This is it Steve. It's all going to be gone soon."

"Ok." Steve said with the same acceptance Pepper had. And that made Tony relax some.

They were now sitting on the balcony again watching the sun go down. A cupcake with blue frosting with one lone red and white candle now in his other hand. Steve was still sitting next to him while the others sat around them watching as the fireworks started, captivated, faceless and quiet.

"Happy Birthday Cap." Steve smiled down at the cupcake, taking it up in his hand. "Make a wish."

Steve cocked his head to the side in thought then gently blew the candle out. They both leaned in close and lingered for a long drawn out moment. Tony then abruptly pulled back and scooted away. Getting up and walked over to the railing peering down at the city below. "I'm sorry I ruined that too." He apologized to Steve who was still sitting where he'd left him. That moment had crept up on him and scared the hell out of him.

"Were you going to kiss me?" Steve called from behind him. Tony pressed his forehead against the railing but refused to close his eyes in fear this could all abruptly go too. "You were weren't you? Why'd you stop?"

"I duno, all this came out of nowhere. I started out hating you, and accepted that we wouldn't get along. Then you, with your stupid spangly outfit and your stupid scarf and your inability to work a simple appliance, you crept up on me. What can I say I hate surprises."

"What? You love surprises."

"If I'm behind them yeah. I don't like being surprised. It's a peeve."

"Like being handed things?"

"Like being handed things." He repeated. Tony looked down at his feet, then back at Steve. They were alone on the balcony now. The fireworks were gone and so were the stars in the sky. "When people get to close, freaks me out. So I try to keep them at a distance.

"But what if you hadn't this time? Stopped I mean?"

"But I did. I did stop. There isn't any more. I got up and went inside. Apparently to get your present. Which is true. I did or do have one. I just kept forgetting where Pepper told me she put it."

"But that's not what I asked. I asked you, what if you did now? You know just make up a new memory." Steve asked, now standing next to him. The floor beneath their feet began to crack and crumble away. Leaving only that slab to stand on just the two of them. The world fading into a haze of blurred colors and shapes.

Couldn't hurt.

Tony placed his hands on both sides of Steve's face leaned in gingerly and pressed his lips against his, a sweet chaste kiss. The kind that Steve deserved in the first place. It was nice. Different. It lasted a couple seconds then Tony pulled away resting his head against Steve's chest sadly.

There's a weird feeling that comes over him just then. Different from before. Like his mind had been put on pause and some other kind of force was trying to push it forwards again. Something changed. A sharp stab shot through the center of his head behind his eyes. "Shit I think this is it."

"Ok, alright. So when we wake up. WHEN, when we wake up. We'll all start over again alright?" Steve says quickly, his hands gripped Tony's upper arms tight anchoring him down. "Because if all of these feelings were real, if all of this was true and if I felt them too then it wouldn't matter if we forgot this. Alright?" Steve took hold of Tony's face redirecting his focus onto him. "Alright?"

"Alright." Tony hisses through the hot pain stabbing his brain. Steve pulls him close wrapping his large arms around him tight. Tony buries his face into Steve's shoulder and whispers, "Goodbye Steve."

Tony relaxes and finally lets go.

All the control he tried to keep throughout this entire think slipped away. Images fast forward, rewind, blend together then break apart. Every laugh, every argument every celebration. Lunches, galas, Sunday brunch, ice cream, movie nights at the tower. Everyone's very presence deletes, including Steve.

Tony teaching both Steve and Thor how to work a cell phone. Tony teasing Steve about his sketches. Steve cooking in the kitchen while he tries to goad him into wearing a pink apron. Clint's many escapades hiding in the vents and dropping out of nowhere. Natasha keeping them all in line then monopolizing the TV.

Missions both successful and the odd lost fight. Cuts, scrapes, breaks, concussions. Arguments. Both Fury and Pepper yelling at him, Everything. As they rush by Tony silently says goodbye to them, hoping that what Steve said about rebuilding them was true. Hoping that not everything

Everything seemed to slow just as quickly as it had sped up.

One last loud beep and the feeling of being yanked upwards.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders.**_

_**-Friedrich Nietzsche**_

* * *

Tony was in this odd kind of middle ground now.

That unstable limbo between sleep and the waking world, where you were painfully aware that you were blissfully sleeping and now you were about to wake up. Separated by a paper thin veil between that could tear at any moment. It's peaceful and clean but fragile. And Tony doesn't want it to end. Even here he feels exhausted even though he's fully aware he isn't exactly conscious. Tony can hear people talking now, tearing through the barrier pulling him into the next. Their words are muffled and the voices sound far away but are familiar. He shifts some but tries to hang onto his restful limbo for a little longer.

"Fivemoreminuts." Tony mumbled reflexively as he wakes up. The voices go quiet.

As Tony comes to his surroundings get clearer. He's on his back, laying on something not soft exactly but its not the floor. There's a dull pounding in his head, and it was tough to open his eyes. When Tony manages to finally crack an eye open the first person he sees is a woman sitting to his right.

She looked tired and worried seems like she's been awake for a year straight, what had happened? He'd ask as soon as his mouth hooked back up to his brain.

"Tony?" She calls out to him gently hands on his upper arm shaking him gently. "Tony!" Tony knows her name, he's sure of it. It appears quickly then stops dead like crashing into a wall letting the other thoughts that connect to it pile up behind it. It was almost painful. He groans a bit.

The time delay between his brain and mouth is atrocious. Tony stares up at her for a long moment and the name finally comes out of his mouth with some difficulty.

"Pep." Her face brightened significantly and she scoots closer, squeezing his hand a little tighter in hers. "Pepper." Tony said again with a sigh, relishing in the success of knowing her name.

"Yes." She smiles tears in her eyes now, her free hand smoothing back his hair. "Yes it's me. It's Pepper."

"Good." Tony closes his eye for a moment for a short rest. "Good."

Tony attempts to raise one of his hands but only manages to be able to flex his fingers, and even that takes more effort. His hands feel stiff like he'd been soaking in ice water. Slow and slow to respond. He grunts in frustration and tries again.

"How do you feel? Feeling? Are you ok? Do you need anything? " Pepper asked quickly, sniffling back more tears, Tony smiles to himself a little more. He always loved how Pepper would shoot off question after question when she was stressed out. Not that he liked seeing her stressed out, or angry or sad, But he was glad she was there.

"No..." His voice trails off in a breathless puff before he can finish his thought, talking was effort. "No...crying...or fired."

Pepper choked a laugh through more tears. But through his brain of molasses can tell she's relieved despite only being able to talk in fragments. She sniffled again and wipes her eyes with the back of her other hand.

Tony twitches a smile, and becomes aware of the two other people in the room again. One of them, most likely a doctor judging by the scrutiny he was giving Tony, pulls a chair up to his bed, peers close at him, then asks Tony to open and close his hands and a couple technical questions. Like his name and how many fingers he was holding up.

This guy is familiar too, his voice and mannerisms and ring a bell, but the name eludes him just as quickly as it creeps up. Somthing with a B. It'll come to him eventually. Just as Pepper's did. The other guy to his left perched himself in a nearby chair and silently surveyed the scene. He doesn't say anything just watched from afar seriously.

The doctor had asked something but Tony's not paying close enough attention to catch it. His mind begins to wander a bit, looking past them at the row of empty chairs by the door, he couldn't help but expect someone to be sitting gut is telling him someone should be sitting there too. There should be but there weren't. There were gaping hole where the name and face should be. They should be there but something was wrong. He wanted to see them, to see if they were alright.

"Is he ok?" He murmured aloud without really thinking.

"Is who ok?" The doctor asks and Tony snaps back to attention.

"What?" Tony asks attentive again, he quickly forgot what he had been thinking doctor makes a face leans in gently and shines a light into each of Tony's eyes for a moment then sit back. His face serious, he lets out a puff of breath pulling off his glasses.

Jesus what had happened?

Did he crash the suit? Did he get a concussion worthy of a coma again? Felt like a concussion. And It would explain the state Pepper was in. Tony had questions lined up one after the other but his train of thought was so hard to get a grip of he would just sit there quietly.

"What's wrong with him Banner?" The other man to his left finally asks abruptly and a little less carefully. "Why is he all half baked?"

"Clint..."

"Look at him." There was a long pause and Tony managed a smirk at the frigid look Pepper had shot him, which made the guy immediately straighten and retreat some. "I'm just saying." He added holding his hands out in a gesture of peace.

"Give him a break. He's been awake for like five minutes,"

"But Nat and Steve weren't all spacey like that, at least Nat wasn't." Chair guy shifted, "Should we let Fury know he's up?"

"Not yet now that they're all awake we should evaluate and compare the damage. And go from there."

Just as they began to discuss something amongst themselves, Tony started to zone out again. Their words and the names they around meant virtually nothing to him. They sounded important though. It sounded like he wasn't the only one who was effected by whatever happened. They were somehow connected. But Tony couldn't think of how.

Whoever this Natasha and Steve were. He had know idea who they were.

But it would come back to him eventually right? Especially if it was important.

Tony hoped so.

* * *

**_Welp that's it!_**

**_I had a little bit of trouble figuring out how to end it, why it's kind of abrubt. But yay I tried._**

**_But thank you for reading! I have follow up written and may turn this into a short series where everyone tries to sort through eachothers lost marbles and such. Lots of angsty and some fluff._**


End file.
